Smile For A Sweeter Day

Hachi

2009-12-15T09:15:58Z

I have a new dog that I named Hachi. He's a stray that my brother brought home because he didnt want him to get hit by a car because he found him near a busy road. But I know he was someone's dog, because he's SO well behaved! He can sit, shake, and goes to the door when he needs to go outside to go potty(for the most part), and he's good with other dogs too. I feel bad because he's such a huge responsibility and I dont know if I can take it :/
I almost feel like a have a child that I need to look after all the time and I feel like I cant go anywhere because I dont want to dump him on my mom or sister, but its raining a lot outside lately so i cant leave him outside either because i dont have a dog house or anything. and i would need to take him to the vet and get him fixed and get his shots and just... i dont have the money right now. its such a huge hassle i feel bad for wanting to get rid of him because hes SUCH a good dog but i dont think im ready for this until i get my own house/apartment. Im trying to find his owners but so far i havent seen ANY posters of him anywhere near where he was found and i posted his picture and stuff on craigslist in the lost&found section and everything. I look in the paper and on craigslist to see if anyone is looking for him but they're not. i guess his owners just dont care :(
I dont know what i'm going to do, if im going to keep him or not.. but I dont want to take him to a shelter cause i want to know whats going to happen to him. i dont want him to die early. hes pretty young, it seems. i dunno, i might keep him.. but i dont have money. UGH this sucks.

he keeps farting a LOT and it stinks XP ewwwiiie Hachi!! LOL
and i have to keep him in my room i cant take this stench x.x

my journal entry

2009-08-21T06:46:21Z

I wrote this in my physical journal because i just felt it today.

i dont know how long this is going to be in typing... but ima post it anyways.
it's 13 pages in my journal XP
...

8/20/09
"Right now i'm actually feeling really down and I feel like I need to vent through writing. I feel like there's a lot of frustration running through me about numerous things, like Brittany and school and I feel stuck, or maybe at a "crossroads" where I need to choose the right path for me. I feel so unmotivated and worthless sometimes. I honestly think I am such a nice, giving person. I have my moments where I can be selfish and mean, but I only think I do that because I feel sometimes like I've had a lot taken from me, because I do favors for people pretty often. I will do nice things without being asked, little things that don't really matter and that nobody pays attention to. they pay more attention to the bad things I do or the thing I -dont- do. and maybe to them(my sis&mom), it looks like I dont do shit, but in my mind i do. and when i ask for something? nothing, more often than not. and i barely ever ask for favors. as for school... i looked through the entire college catalog because i thought maybe that could help, read class descriptions for anything I might be interested in, and honestly i'm not sure if i will ever do something that is self-satisfying. becaues that is what i want if i spend my time in school and then have a career or something, something that makes me feel good and satisfied with myself. i just don't know if i'll ever find something im good at or at least something ilike doing. ive never been very good or talented at anything. i think part of it could be because i always felt that i could never be as good at anything or as dedicated to anything as Britt was at acrobatics. i tried it, and she excelled so fast, that i didn't even want to try because it wouldn't mean anything to anyone if i got good because she already did it all. i started hating acro, and hating everything about it because i was JEALOUS and sad, and felt worthless and it didnt help that i also thought i was ugly. and fat. she was so small and everyone liked her. i sdtayed at home with my brother and read books, watched anime, and played video games, while she traveled to different countries around Europe, and Australia, and Russia too, as well as tons of different states here. and hawaii too. i've never been on a plane before. ive never traveled further than two states away. ive never had any experiences like the ones she had. i was plain jealous of everything about her. WHY!? i have so much to be thankful for and i actually have tons of opportunity. i was NOT neglected as a child, never for that matter. but rather i made myself that way. i felt bad for my parents who were and still are in debt because they paid for all that traveling and stuff. i never wanted to ask them for anything. so really, i held myself back. but i was a child and just did what came naturally. i think even though i have so much, i had self pitty just because she had so much MORE than me, and was prettier and skinnier and had more friends than me, and most of all, i was really close to her and close in age, two years apart. so i have always compared myself to her. and always felt that it wasn't fair. even though now i realize it was all fair, we had equal opportunity, she just took it before me and excelled at what she did. i guess its just a normal, childish reaction. jealousy, self pitty, being overall pathetic basically. oh, and i dont know if this has anything to do with it, but im also the youngest of 6. sometimes i felt like i didnt get enough attention, but only because i compared it to how much attention my other siblings got, especially her. i dont blame her, i dont blame my parents, i dont blame anyone but myself for taking things the way i did. but even then, i think its one of the many natural reactions kids have. but i think growing up the way i did is part of why i lack motivation, and never tried to be good at anything. except i used to draw anime characters in elementary, and i thought i was good because no one else my age could draw like me, but as i grew up and entered jr. high, i saw tons of kids that could draw like me and in high school, tons of kids that could draw 1000x better. i cant see something in my head and put it on paper without it looking completely different, which to me means i have no talent. and that's the only thing i have ever felt good at. i wish i had a passion that could turn into a career. i wish i was good at math, or writing, or some sort of physical activity, or art, or science, or design, or cooking, or singing, or people skills, SOMETHING. but i am not exceptionally good at any of those, nor do i have a passion for one, nor can i even see myself passing classes for some of those things. i suck at math so bad, i could not understand Alg II, which rules out science which is probably the only thing that never gets old to me. i dont see myself being happy doing something i dont find self-satisfying. reading this, i can see im holding myself back again being so negative. If you can't change something, change your attitude, right? Well i think i'll try that, but it doesnt always come easy. maybe if i stay positive, i might actually find something i like and just move forward. Realizing you have a problem is the first step in moving forward, and I do have a problem with myself. And it doesn't help that people around me have problems too, which affect me. And that I am so pressured to start school NOW when i feel so unmotivated. not fun.
i think i needed to vent.... Being nice and collected around people is hard when you have an inner struggle, and it can sometimes come out sideways. So it's good to let it out in a healthy way. some people do drugs, or drink, or take it out on others, or on themselves physically or mentally. or do bad things on purpose to get attention. I've done a little of some of that, like weed, doing bad in school, being rude, somewhat isolating myself, just doing rebellious things and over dealt with problems the wrong way. I didn't even KNOW i had a problem. I don't think most people do, at least not right away. I think i started going downhill when my bro moved out... Capricorns don't like rapid change and that was a huge deal to me without knowing it. and he was the one that was always there, and also the one i can relate to the most.

anyway, i guess if you have a lot of negativity in your life, and find yourself crying at random times when you're alone even if you think you're fine, you just MIGHT have a problem you haven't dealt with, or have never faced. Whether you realize it or not. Think about it and open up to yourself. Now I know why therapists always try to dig so deep with their patients, because those patients might not realize they have a damn thing going on in the back of that head but they do.

GazettE- just... the kings.

2009-08-20T07:59:45Z

Every once in a while, by that i mean maybe once a month or two, I get into this mood where i just slow down to really appreciate The GazettE and their creations. Every once in a while i'll watch their videos and just let it do it's thing. which is completely captivate me. lol.
I mean, is there a more perfect band out there in the world? if there is, i want to know about it. The music, the visuals, mood everything. fucking talent. occasionally you find that person or group of people that are just meant to be known so they can share what amazing things they have to offer. there are a great many of those, but there's more of the other types lol.
ruki's voice i think is my favorite thing about gazette. and not to mention that he's like... the hottest little guy i've ever seen. Then the fact that he writes all the lyrics and conducts most of the music himself. that's amazing. all of them are amazing with what they bring though. Aoi being the audio director, and being super hot too <3
I think it's not that often that you find musically talented people where you can really enjoy every.single.one of their songs along with everything else. i mean i can name more than gazette obviously but im just saying. they're one of the few(compared to how many musically talented people are out there). I love visual kei, and gazette is just a perfect example of it. but they are also of their own, in that i haven't found a visual kei group that matches gazette in anything, in my opinion at least. haven't found a group that captivates me as much. or that has members as attractive.

anyway, here's a video of them live performing one of my favorite slower songs of theirs', Cassis.
Doesn't it just take you somewhere else?
almost makes me cry sometimes, at certain points. not because im consciously moved(well i am but not enough to cry) but idk sometimes its just the sound or maybe a crescendo that triggers something that makes me want to cry lol. kind of like how nails on a chalk bored make you cringe, it makes me want to cry. same with the chrono cross theme song... and certain piano songs by chopin..kinda weird.

anyway, just felt like appreciating them today. :)

more russia/siberia

2009-05-19T04:16:20Z

More interesting things my brother wrote during his year long trip, just wanted to share >w<
makes me want adventure! lol

"so i wrote this last night on a train from moscow to saint peters... i never thought an 8 hour trip would feel fast and easy, but after siberia, it felt like an easy ride. anyway, heres my essay.

I have a very peculiar belief about life, one which I have held for many years, and it is one which dictates much of what I do and has led me to some very strange places. I believe that if you have a particularly comfortable life, that you are very probably bored. There is nothing I know of worse than being too comfortable. It lacks adventure for one, and breeds contempt.

How many marriages have ended because one partner cheats on the other? And once they are caught and asked why they did what they did, what do they usually say? The other person was more exciting! It made them feel young and alive, and helped that person love life again. The big unresolved problem is almost always nothing but simple boredom. Think about how many people search and pray for something interesting to do or talk about while they sit though the same old awful routine in their miserable lives each and every day. This is the reason public speakers make huge fortunes giving speeches in packed auditoriums teaching people how to push the limits of their comfort zones.

Yes, I believe that comfort is an evil that stalks us daily and conspires to rob us of every good and happy thing in our lives. Therefore I actively search out and engage in uncomfortable activities. Any of my long time friends will attest to the fact that I am never so happy as when I am complaining about something. Why? Because adventure is never comfortable. And this is how I found myself three weeks ago holding in my hands a train ticket across the vast Siberian expanse on a Russian platzkart, the absolute cheapest way to travel outside of a bicycle.

For those of you who don’t know, a platzkart is a rail car absolutely crammed with people. You get a bed yes, but its probably a little more comparable with a jail cell bed. Usually filled with the same kind of people actually. It is cramped, uncomfortable, with loud noisy people and lines for the bathroom. The food is awful and when you get off at a stop to buy dinner from the local vendors, I was constantly in fear of being left behind. And I enjoyed every crazy minute of it. Time machines don’t exist, but if I traveled in soviet 1960’s I doubt I would have noticed a difference.

So we get on this thing and start the epic journey across the famed terrain. I was actually really surprised at the beauty of Siberia, covered with vast expanses of forests, plains, and some of the largest rivers I have ever seen in my life. And don’t get into your head that it is really that barren. Siberia also boasts some very impressive cities! Novosibirsk is known as being the heart of industrial Russia, and Krasnoyarsk and Barnaul both preside over rivers at least as large as the Mississippi. These are cities the Russians can be proud of, and certainly the residents are very proud! At each stop I was met by people eager to show me Gorky Park, (it just wouldn’t be a Russian city without a Gorky Park) the ample war memorials, the requisite statue of Lenin, and a thorough explanation of all the local customs. I was especially pleased to see that though each city was on the surface plainly Russian, there was always something which made the city special… like most American cities, there is always a local flavor.

When you go to a really large and famous city, the lure is too obvious. Impressive events, popular tourist attractions, famous people and places will always keep famous cities in the press. But it's too easy; I appreciate subtlety. I like and admire the ones which have to fight to be noticed, and I find nothing more exhilarating than to meet people and see the LESS popular places. It’s not that I don’t like the popular choices… of course I do. but so does everyone else. And that is why I must admit that I have a special place in my heart for the cities of south central Russia. Quiet enough to raise a family, but large enough to be considered major cities, I respect and admire the residents of these places.

Probably the most notable exception I have seen is the amazing lack of color. The whole country looks like one giant Utah when it comes to skin tone. It is probably because I come from the United States, the self proclaimed “melting pot”, but it still surprised me to see such racial singularity.

But probably the most surprising thing I noticed in Siberia, was my reception! I’ve never been remotely close to “Mr. Popular”, but boy oh boy I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it. I pretended not to notice the heads snap around anytime I opened my mouth, but no doubt there was a smile on my face when it happened. I liked watching people stammering for words with wide open eyes whenever I would say something like “I like your jacket. You’ve got some really good style. Fashionable, it looks good on you.” I liked the Russian grandmothers who stuffed my face full of hot meat pies and told me stories about her parents who knew what hard work REALLY was, and admonished me for saying I was tired. How could I possibly be tired??? I didn’t DO anything! And my favorite of all, was the cadets in military school. I have never been famous, but those kids sure made me feel like I was. I signed autographs, posed for photos, shook hands, and even sat down for a special lunch in which the principal exclaimed “Praise God!” when I told him I liked the food. I would be lying if I told you it didn’t make me feel pretty great. I hardly noticed the 4 hours I spent talking to students and touring the school. I didn’t even mind answering the same exact questions several hundred times (though I did get an idea from a friend to print up an FAQ to hand out at such events).

All in all it was a marvelous trip and though I am certain the typical American would have actually hated it… I am certainly NOT the typical American. In America they demand comfort and convenience… and when they complain they actually mean it. How utterly boring! The next time you have a chance to do something stupid and crazy, don’t hesitate. Discomfort is the spice of life. And don’t be afraid to complain a little, just make sure there is a smile on your face when you do. Hardships are only a bad thing when they aren’t self inflicted.

You can check out some of my photos if you like, and make sure you look at my new idea “sleeping homeless people” I noticed a lot of people have a tendency to fall asleep in some really weird places. and all of them are sleeping. I’ll be on the lookout for new sleeping crazy people and be ready with my camera. So check back often!"

2nd & 3rd grade teethbrushing

2009-05-07T22:19:47Z

I was just remembering in 2nd and 3rd grade when the teachers gave the whole class a toothbrush so we could all brush our teeth after lunch every day. I remember thinking it was absolutely disgusting. For one, we couldn't use toothpaste or water(at least not right in front of us). I remember kids just stick it in their mouths and brush, and then put it right back in the container thing and LEAVE IT THERE! with all the nasty plaque! we were allowed at the very end to line up and wash them off, but not everyone did. i remember i never brushed my teeth, i just pretended. cuz man... i had like germ issues with that. i just brushed them when i got home. we did take those flouride tablets though, they tasted yummy.
anyway, i just remembered that while brushing my teeth just now and decided to right it down to remember always and always! hehe

Bummed

2009-04-26T00:23:16Z

a lot
don't feel good
feel BAD

everything is getting to me today. an unusual amount of people are pissing me off really easy. people don't know how to fucking drive. people don't know how to WALK in their own SPACE!
this bitch was walking BEHIND me i didn't even know she was there and she touched my hand for like a second and she turned to her friends and was like "she trynna hold my hand she tryna hold my hand" like i was stupid or some shit but to tell you the truth if ANYTHING she was trying to hold my hand even though that's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. bitch was super ugly and nasty.
me, i'm a passive person, i'm hella nice, and i never fucking say what i feel when i'm angry or really irritated. i SHOULDD! cuz i usually have a lot going on in my head. but i don't. i wish i did. i always wish i -did-.
but it always leaves someone either embarrassed or even more angry than before so i guess it's not worth it but FUCK.
shit is just wrong today
woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something and only had about 4 hours of sleep total and not all at the same time.
gawd
FML

I also don't like it when i try to plan things and they don't happen. especially when i try planning it week after week and it just doesn't happen. Due to waking up too late! it's lame and sucks and it's my fault. why in the world does the word "doesn't" keep turning up with the red squiggly saying it's misspelled? i don't understand.
periods suck!!!! guys don't have to go through mood swings like this it's so annoying. Clearly i wouldn't be like this on just any day.

Life in Russia

2009-04-21T10:15:21Z

My brother is currently living in Russia, because he wanted to. No, I'm not Russian.
Anyway, he posted this on his facebook and i thought it was really interesting and kinda funny. >w<
This is a bit of his experience so far:

"Russia is a crazy place. I already knew that before I came, but things are still not what you expect.

We’ll start with the longest airplane ride in history, which in my usual attempt to save money was nothing remotely close to a direct flight. Most of it is what you expect, until you arrive in Stockholm Sweden. Now, I’ve been in a lot of airports, but this one is the strangest I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s massive, with more open, empty space than any airport deserves to have. And the entire thing looks like its straight out of an Ikea catalog – down to the faucets in the bathroom. And NO ONE is in the airport. I was there for 13 hours waiting for my flight and I saw MAYBE 100 people walk through this place that could hold the entire Chinese population with room to spare.

So I left there and flew into Saint Petersburg and besides being a very large city, it’s a pretty typical Russian fare, except the architecture is really cool. But the thing that will really catch your eye in Peter, is the subway, or as they call it here the “metro”. It may not be the most extensive in the world, but due to the fact that it is a city built on a very deep river system (the river neva), the metro IS the deepest in the world. 320 feet down, no joke.

I didn’t know this beforehand, so when you get on these dizzying escalators going almost directly straight down into the depths of the earth, after about 6 or 7 minutes you begin to wonder if it is ever going to reach the bottom???? Well, thankfully it does and its actually a pretty cool train system. Theres no waiting down there, because new trains come by every 2 minutes which is really cool. And the phrase “Ostorozhnya, Dveri Zekravyetza!” becomes burned into your brain after the 400th time you hear it (it means ‘be careful, the doors are closing’)and gets played every time the train stops.

Not to mention the beautiful stations! In every metro system i have been on in the US, I can only describe the stations as… bland at best. Not so in Russia, some of these stations are works of art. i dont know if you've looked at the pictures i posted, but if you havent you should.

Ok, so the first couple weeks I spent with my friends sasha and lia. and one evening we were all invited by this rich family who lives in the suburbs to come and try their Russian banya.

Now, if you are like me and don’t know what this is all about – they will explain to you that is is just like a sauna in America. This is a lie. Your first clue will be the fact that the men and the women go in separately. This is because everyone does this whole thing completely naked. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to argue with a soviet. So I decided to go along with the popular crowd and just go for it.

Now, unfortunately this is not where the craziness ends. They aren’t cool like the Americans with their fancy electric heat and fake rocks. Noooo, these kids are the real deal, with a roaring fire in the massive cast iron stove and rocks that I would swear to you were red hot. Then they pour on enough water to bath an elephant and get that steam going to a point where you are positive you would pass out if it wasn’t for the burning vapor in your lungs. within minutes you have sweat pouring off your body and the nausea is close to unbearable.

And no, it doesn’t stop there. In the corner, there is a branch with leaves on it soaking in a tub. What is that for, You might ask? Well, that is a question you will regret asking. Why? Because the Russians will order you to lie down, and proceed to turn the heat and steam even HIGHER -if that is indeed possible- and begin to wave these soaking wet leaf-laden branches all over your body, which works to actually concentrate the steam onto your naked body making you feel as though hot coals are raking over you.

And just when every part of you is screaming in pain, when you are drenched in sweat with a body temperature that MUST be in the triple digits, you run outside and jump into a huge pile of snow and roll around. Seriously, you roll around naked in the snow. Then after you have come to your senses and gone into the sitting down area to drink a hot tea, these maniacs actually suggest we go for another round. What am I going to do? Say no? these guys cant even understand the words coming out of my mouth…. So, we go again. Quite the experience I must say.

The rest of the time I just try to learn new Russian words and try to get used to ridiculous Russian quirks like bowling costing THIRTY DOLLARS. Really. And I thought Americans jacked up the price. And the ticky tack things you have to pay for like ketchup at mcdonalds and plastic bags at the grocery store. thats right. You either pay for the plastic bags, or you’d better be prepared to walk out with all your food in your pockets.

The one cool thing I do like is how UNlike America who put the mentally handicapped in wheelchairs and take care of them… here they put retarded people to work sweeping the sidewalks. Did you ever see the movie The Goonies? When they find that crazy looking monster dude with the slack jaw and wild moan? Yea, I think his brother works here in Russia, because this guy looked just like him, and I actually saw him fall down once. But they had this poor man dressed in suspenders sweeping up cigarettes in the park.

But, life is pretty good here. Certainly interesting."

180 flip

2009-04-04T06:09:02Z

I have flipped a 180 and feel pathetic. I do not feel strong. I feel mixed up(not confused, just... mixed up). I don't know why. I think my hormones are all whack or something because i feel depressed, sort of. I hate acting selfish and being a brat to someone who doesn't deserve to be treated that way. But there's usually underlying reasons why someone might be happy and nice one day and be a brat the next. Not JUST hormones. ugh i guess i just feel lonely and don't think i SHOULD feel that way. What reason do i have to feel lonely? I shouldn't have any. But this is me being selfish and, again, not thinking of others. I don't want to focus my energy all on myself i like to focus it on other people that's just the way i am, but i guess it's human. so whatever i'll let it pass and all will probably be fine in the morning. -.-
I enjoy the feeling of giving my all for another so when i get to feeling selfish like this it just makes me sad all around.
I cried today, and i hardly ever cry.

Some thoughts

2009-03-28T14:28:02Z

I was just thinking, you know one thing that's great about being in a good relationship? You can be around any member of the opposite sex and be more comfortable than if you were single. Because a lot of the times when two people of the opposite sex hang around each other and like each others' personalities(obviously because they're friends), then both or at least one of them will often have a natural attraction for the other that is more than "friends" even without intending for it to end up that way. This cannot be helped. BUT I think it's such a great feeling when you're in a relationship that you really enjoy and cherish, and you can be around any member of the opposite sex and can be just friends without worrying about any unintentional feelings whether that person is attractive or not. I can be around a hot guy and not feel anything "emotional" even if they have a good personality, and it feels good to know I'm a stable girl. I think that's when you know you really love your significant other, when you don't feel anything for other people even if they have a great personality and are physically attractive. Obviously I'm not talking about physical attraction, but emotional attachment. I thought of this because i was thinking that in all the time i've been with my boyfriend, i've never thought about boysboysboys like all my friends did throughout school even though i knew of a guy or two that was physically attractive. And all the guy friends i've had never amounted to anything more than that. whether they felt something or not, i never did. And pretty much every single girl i know has had guy friend(s) that they fell for unintentionally.
It's this content-ness I have that's just a beautiful thing. I really appreciate it. :)

I think the truest, most raw thoughts a person has always occur right before they fall asleep or as they're trying to fall asleep.
You know what I'm talking about, right?

.

H&M Harajuku Tokyo Dream

2009-03-24T09:33:06Z

A few months ago(well probably more than a few months ago, maybe 6-8 months?), I had a dream about a big white/see-through/glass building that was really block-y and tall. I was with my sister in this dream, and we went to the top of this building in an elevator, a very sleek elevator, and at the top were some people and nice black couches. They were reading magazines and some ladies came to us and I think we were supposed to put our input on something having to do with the magazine... but at the top there was also a lot of underwear and bras and jewelry and perfume, so i actually thought it was something like Victoria Secret as I was dreaming(because i knew it was a dream after a while). So as the dream goes on and me and my sister are at the top floor of this crazy cool building, I start to get scared for some reason. I remember the feeling, but I can't exactly remember why i felt that way. I think it had something to do with jumping out of the building because all the walls were made completely of glass, with only a little bit of white wall in between the giant windows. I seem to recal a small red box with a necklace in it, an interesting elevator incident, and trying to avoid somebody in the building. hmm..

So i was looking at WWD(Women's Wear Daily) Newspaper that my fashion teacher had, and I saw this building in an article about the November 2008 H&M launch of Comme Des Garcons collection in Tokyo and I immediately recognized this building as the building in my dream months before. It just caught my eye instantly I felt a surge of emotion it was so weird. I feel so drawn to this place.

3 Poems I fell in love with <3

2009-03-11T10:26:42Z

The World Is Too Much with Us

"The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn."
-William Wordsworth

"Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey"
I am not showing the entire poem, but my favorite parts:

"These beauteous forms,
      Through a long absence, have not been to me
      As is a landscape to a blind man's eye:
      But oft, in lonely rooms, and 'mid the din
      Of towns and cities, I have owed to them
      In hours of weariness, sensations sweet,
      Felt in the blood, and felt along the heart;
      And passing even into my purer mind,
      With tranquil restoration:--feelings too                        30
      Of unremembered pleasure: such, perhaps,
      As have no slight or trivial influence
      On that best portion of a good man's life,
      His little, nameless, unremembered, acts
      Of kindness and of love. Nor less, I trust,
      To them I may have owed another gift,
      Of aspect more sublime; that blessed mood,
      In which the burthen of the mystery,
      In which the heavy and the weary weight
      Of all this unintelligible world,                               40
      Is lightened:--that serene and blessed mood,
      In which the affections gently lead us on,--
      Until, the breath of this corporeal frame
      And even the motion of our human blood
      Almost suspended, we are laid asleep
      In body, and become a living soul:
      While with an eye made quiet by the power
      Of harmony, and the deep power of joy,
      We see into the life of things.
                                       If this
      Be but a vain belief, yet, oh! how oft--                        50
      In darkness and amid the many shapes
      Of joyless daylight; when the fretful stir
      Unprofitable, and the fever of the world,
      Have hung upon the beatings of my heart--
      How oft, in spirit, have I turned to thee,
      O sylvan Wye! thou wanderer thro' the woods,
      How often has my spirit turned to thee! 

                               --I cannot paint
       What then I was. The sounding cataract
      Haunted me like a passion: the tall rock,
      The mountain, and the deep and gloomy wood,
      Their colours and their forms, were then to me
      An appetite; a feeling and a love,                              80
      That had no need of a remoter charm,
      By thought supplied, nor any interest
      Unborrowed from the eye.--That time is past,
      And all its aching joys are now no more,
      And all its dizzy raptures. Not for this
      Faint I, nor mourn nor murmur, other gifts
      Have followed; for such loss, I would believe,
      Abundant recompence. For I have learned
      To look on nature, not as in the hour
      Of thoughtless youth; but hearing oftentimes                    90
      The still, sad music of humanity,
      Nor harsh nor grating, though of ample power
      To chasten and subdue. And I have felt
      A presence that disturbs me with the joy
      Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime
      Of something far more deeply interfused,
      Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,
      And the round ocean and the living air,
      And the blue sky, and in the mind of man;
      A motion and a spirit, that impels                             100
      All thinking things, all objects of all thought,
      And rolls through all things. Therefore am I still
      A lover of the meadows and the woods,
      And mountains; and of all that we behold
      From this green earth; of all the mighty world
      Of eye, and ear,--both what they half create,
      And what perceive; well pleased to recognise
      In nature and the language of the sense,
      The anchor of my purest thoughts, the nurse,
      The guide, the guardian of my heart, and soul                  110
      Of all my moral being.
                              Nor perchance,
      If I were not thus taught, should I the more
      Suffer my genial spirits to decay:
      For thou art with me here upon the banks
      Of this fair river; thou my dearest Friend,
      My dear, dear Friend; and in thy voice I catch
      The language of my former heart, and read
      My former pleasures in the shooting lights
      Of thy wild eyes. Oh! yet a little while
      May I behold in thee what I was once,                          120
      My dear, dear Sister! and this prayer I make,
      Knowing that Nature never did betray
      The heart that loved her; 'tis her privilege,
      Through all the years of this our life, to lead
      From joy to joy: for she can so inform
      The mind that is within us, so impress
      With quietness and beauty, and so feed
      With lofty thoughts, that neither evil tongues,
      Rash judgments, nor the sneers of selfish men,
      Nor greetings where no kindness is, nor all                    130
      The dreary intercourse of daily life,
      Shall e'er prevail against us, or disturb
      Our cheerful faith, that all which we behold
      Is full of blessings. Therefore let the moon
      Shine on thee in thy solitary walk;
      And let the misty mountain-winds be free
      To blow against thee: and, in after years,
      When these wild ecstasies shall be matured
      Into a sober pleasure; when thy mind
      Shall be a mansion for all lovely forms,                       140
      Thy memory be as a dwelling-place
      For all sweet sounds and harmonies; oh! then,
      If solitude, or fear, or pain, or grief,
      Should be thy portion, with what healing thoughts
      Of tender joy wilt thou remember me,
      And these my exhortations! Nor, perchance--
      If I should be where I no more can hear
      Thy voice, nor catch from thy wild eyes these gleams
      Of past existence--wilt thou then forget
      That on the banks of this delightful stream                    150
      We stood together; and that I, so long
      A worshipper of Nature, hither came
      Unwearied in that service: rather say
      With warmer love--oh! with far deeper zeal
      Of holier love. Nor wilt thou then forget,
      That after many wanderings, many years
      Of absence, these steep woods and lofty cliffs,
      And this green pastoral landscape, were to me
      More dear, both for themselves and for thy sake!"
                              -1798 William Wordsworth

Excerpt from: Childe Harold's Pilgrimage

"CLXXVIII.
   There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
    There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
    There is society where none intrudes,
    By the deep Sea, and music in its roar:
    I love not Man the less, but Nature more,
    From these our interviews, in which I steal
    From all I may be, or have been before,
    To mingle with the Universe, and feel
 What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
CLXXIX.
   Roll on, thou deep and dark blue Ocean — roll!
    Ten thousand fleets sweep over thee in vain;
    Man marks the earth with ruin — his control
    Stops with the shore; — upon the watery plain
    The wrecks are all thy deed, nor doth remain
    A shadow of man’s ravage, save his own,
    When for a moment, like a drop of rain,
    He sinks into thy depths with bubbling groan,
 Without a grave, unknelled, uncoffined, and unknown.
CLXXX.
   His steps are not upon thy paths, — thy fields
    Are not a spoil for him, — thou dost arise
    And shake him from thee; the vile strength he wields
    For earth’s destruction thou dost all despise,
    Spurning him from thy bosom to the skies,
    And send’st him, shivering in thy playful spray
    And howling, to his gods, where haply lies
    His petty hope in some near port or bay,
 And dashest him again to earth: — there let him lay.
CLXXXI.
   The armaments which thunderstrike the walls
    Of rock-built cities, bidding nations quake,
    And monarchs tremble in their capitals.
    The oak leviathans, whose huge ribs make
    Their clay creator the vain title take
    Of lord of thee, and arbiter of war;
    These are thy toys, and, as the snowy flake,
    They melt into thy yeast of waves, which mar
 Alike the Armada’s pride, or spoils of Trafalgar.
CLXXXII.
   Thy shores are empires, changed in all save thee —
    Assyria, Greece, Rome, Carthage, what are they?
    Thy waters washed them power while they were free
    And many a tyrant since: their shores obey
    The stranger, slave, or savage; their decay
    Has dried up realms to deserts: not so thou,
    Unchangeable save to thy wild waves’ play —
    Time writes no wrinkle on thine azure brow —
 Such as creation’s dawn beheld, thou rollest now.
CLXXXIII.
   Thou glorious mirror, where the Almighty’s form
    Glasses itself in tempests; in all time,
    Calm or convulsed — in breeze, or gale, or storm,
    Icing the pole, or in the torrid clime
    Dark-heaving; — boundless, endless, and sublime —
    The image of Eternity — the throne
    Of the Invisible; even from out thy slime
    The monsters of the deep are made; each zone
 Obeys thee: thou goest forth, dread, fathomless, alone.
CLXXXIV.

   And I have loved thee, Ocean! and my joy
   Of youthful sports was on thy breast to be
   Borne like thy bubbles, onward: from a boy
   I wantoned with thy breakers — they to me
   Were a delight; and if the freshening sea
   Made them a terror — ’twas a pleasing fear,
   For I was as it were a child of thee,
   And trusted to thy billows far and near,
And laid my hand upon thy mane — as I do here."

                         - Lord Byron

Oh Lucky Day

2009-03-02T13:48:34Z

Just got a hi-def canon video camera. I'm soo going to use it whenever I go cool places now. Make tons of random videos :)

Oh yeah, so I made a funny (slightly racist) joke the other day and i thought it was pretty clever and fast-thinking so i called my sister and told her while I was at Frys Electronics in the bathroom. So I told her the joke and we laughed and i was like "hahaha isn't that funny?" and then i heard someone in a stall and i was like omg someone overheard me on the phone telling this racist-y joke! o.o so i ran out of the bathroom and went to the magazines before whoever that person was saw me XP
It wasn't a horribly racist joke by the way, but it was funny.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-02T01:39:13Z

So I have a really good feeling about this year. :)
I turn 18 in 18 days and I'm super excited!! I just read my horoscope Capricorn forecast for 2009 and it tells me to watch out for what I spend my money on. Well, I'm getting quite a bit of money very soon and I've been thinking about what I'm going to spend some of it on for the past couple months. I've been thinking of buying a laptop computer, a digital camera, a video camera, an iphone, an ipod, and a ps3... I know that's a LOT of money but i've been wanting those things for so long now. Oh, and a car which is one of the first things i'll buy. But now that I read that horoscope thing saying that it'll be easy for me to spend money on material possessions but that after all of it I could lack happiness, it's got me thinking and having second thoughts. ^-^;;
So I will not get all those things at one time, I'm going to spread it out according to what I need most. I think I'll buy a car and laptop first and the rest can just follow later. And when I move out I can get a ps3 and stuff, cuz i don't really need that right now anyway...
My sis wanted me to move out with her this month because she doesn't have a roommate. I really wanted to for a sec, but I changed my mind because I don't want to pay $400 a month just to move my bedroom 10 min away. I'll just get a car... lol
Anyway, this year I am losing 15 lbs before summer and 5 more lbs before the end of the year. So that is my resolution, and also to graduate high school on time. :)
I have a super good feelings that I will follow those resolutions and complete them! Wish me luck! Oh wait, I won't need it! <3
Maybe I'm overconfident, but hopefully that will be an advantage for me.
It'll be a busy busy year but I'm ready for it. :]

Tokidoki Raincoat & MunkMunk

2008-11-17T13:00:37Z

My new tokidoki limited edition raincoat, #422 of 600! I finally received it in the mail yesterday and I'm soo happy with it!! Whenever it rains, I'm definitely going to be wearing this when I go out and stay nice a dry without an umbrella even. ^-^

My boyfriend bought me this little build-a-bear monkey, and we named him Munk Munk! He's so cute! He even makes monkey noises when you press his belly <3
He has two pairs of diapers, but other than that I don't think he needs clothes. Look at what he's doing! Peeling his banana! X3

"Friends" are not forever

2008-10-15T15:27:51Z

You know that saying "Boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever"? That couldn't be further from the truth. Friends don't care as much as family or your significant other. They have their own lives and can only care so much. When you go to a different level in life and those friends you had before stay behind or go to their own level, there's no relationship anymore. They were your friends, you still care about them, but don't care enough to REALLY care. You may have compassion for them always, because they're a human being that you once knew, but you don't actually have that much concern for them and you don't worry about them like you would someone you really care about. I just think most people have such an easy time turning the other cheek, much too easy. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, and when I really think about it, I'm not even really trying to say that this is such a horrible thing because it's normal. Maybe you have had friends that care about you a LOT and really care how you're doing and want to make you feel happy or something, but I really don't think I've ever had a friend like that. I've had sisters and brothers like that, I have a boyfriend like that, I have a mom and dad like that, but I've never had just an outside friend even close to that. I care about the "friends" I have now, but I can do without them. Nobody ever tries to contact me unless I contact them first, and even after that, I'm always the one to keep initiating it. It's getting really lame and useless.
Well, there is ONE friend that contacts me every once in a while and no matter how long we don't talk, once we do start talking it's like that time never went by. We live pretty close but we still only hang out every month or two, sometimes even longer.
Then there's this friend that lives super close to me but I haven't seen her in almost a year. She's home schooled too, I don't really even understand why I haven't seen her in so long. I get a text from her or I text her every couple months, we were really close for about 4 years, and then poof! Nothing. I don't know what happened.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself, that's all really. I know I wouldn't feel this way if I wasn't home schooled. But I'd feel this way as soon as I got out of high school anyway, so it would have happened regardless, I just sped it up a year. Eh, this probably happens to almost everyone when they leave high school. It's a big change. Unless of course your friends follow you to college, or you actually go to college and meet new people too. Or if you work...
I have a lot more feelings on this, I just don't know what to say.

The World Ends With MEEE

2008-10-15T09:33:33Z

I beat "The World Ends With You" a while after it came out in English, for the DS of course. I may have "beat(LOL)" the game, but I didn't get all the secret reports! So I recently went in search of all the things you need to get in each chapter to get every secret report. And guess what? I finished it!! Yaaa~!! Now I can finally move on to more games! --- )^@^( ---
I think I'll finish Mario now... or maybe Super Monkey Ball??

Oh yes, so yesterday a lot of people around the world somehow thought a HUGE spaceship was coming to earth for 3 days and would cover the entire sky. Where in the world did they get that from?? o.O Well October 14,2008 came and went and I didn't see anything. :)
I just think it's funny that a lot of people around the world who believed it would happen are now going nutzo because it didn't happen.
I mean, come on. A huge ship that will cover the entire sky for 3 days(and only in North America??)? It's called Independence Day. (LOL)

Lost

2008-10-14T10:51:37Z

Okay, I just finished Season 3 of LOST and I'm just so stunned! There was like "flash-aheads" instead of "flashbacks" and some of them actually LEAVE the island!? I knew John Locke was special. I'd say John and Sayid are still my favorite characters so far. But why did Charlie have to die such a stupid death? I mean, once the water filled up, couldn't he have just gone out the little window? He's a pretty small guy and it looked like he could fit! I mean geez. He was one of my favorite characters too, and now he's gone. :(
I really really can't wait til season 4 comes out on DVD in like a month or two. I'm gonna ask my mom to buy it, since she already has the first two. But if she doesn't, you better believe I will... ^-^;
I'm a slave to the show at the moment, and that won't end until I'm finished with it. >.>;

If you haven't seen it yet, watch it! You won't regret it, and it's totally not time wasted.

<(^o^)>

I'm so sorry

2008-07-13T03:32:00Z

I feel so sorry for anything I've ever done or said to hurt anyone. I really don't want to be hurtful. I didn't know how unhappy I was making her feel, and for so long! I always thought of myself and how the things she said hurt me. I knew whatever I said or did wasn't making her feel any good, but I didn't know just how much I made her sad and unwanted and unloved. She is a person of many simple needs, but yet she only asks for so little. But I guess being the person I am, it's a lot to ask from me. I don't want to blame her for anything anymore, but I don't want to fully blame myself either. Let's just put a little bit of fault on us both and my immaturity and/or ignorance? for not thinking about her feelings as a person. All my life, or most of it, she's always seemed so strong, independent, and handles everything well. For so long I thought she was immature too, like the way she takes out her anger. But that's exactly what it is, taking out anger, frustration, or sadness. She doesn't do it for no reason, making the comments that effect me so negatively. It's a product of the way I made her feel and then I continue to act the same way as a product of THAT. We feed each other's fires, but I was the spark that started it I think anyway. But if not, I guess it doesn't matter because either way, I think I was the one that was more hurtful in the end. She's going to be there for me always no matter what, even though I'm not exactly the kind of child she's used to having and I still think she doesn't agree with my life decisions, yet she still cares and even acts like she cares, just shows it in ways I couldn't really see. I think I'm good at not showing the way I really feel and showing it in different ways that come out wrong and that creates a lot of chaos, and you know it even fools me. Maybe my old doctor was actually making more sense than I thought when she kept saying there's something more that's buried in the back of your head. Like, what the source to my problems? Well I think I figured out that I was the source to whatever problems I had with myself. I can't go blaming other people or other things in my life and especially not one of the very few people that care the most about me and are always there for me.

I hope one day, for all of our sakes, we can all get along and not hold grudges, me and EVERYONE ELSE. It really doesn't solve anything or get rid of any unwanted feelings when you hold grudges or keep feeding the fire or even revenge for that matter! I mean, don't be so selfish. It might get you a lot sometimes, but don't you care about the people around you? And talking about things with each other only helps if you both have an open mind and an open heart.

<3
KaylaViola

Holding Back

2008-06-10T02:15:25Z

I sometimes hold back from doing some things that I would like to do for the sake of others. Most people would disagree with doing this. I would have too, until I realized that it's necessary sometimes. It's like when you really want to say something while talking to someone, but you refrain yourself from saying it because it would hurt someone else or maybe even that person you're talking to! This is not exactly what I speak of, but it's the same idea. Doing this might lead one to regret or not being true to yourself, but you just have to decide if it's the right thing to do.